Days in the life of a music geek...

Wow. It's been ... a long time. Almost two years? I need some place to vent, and I don't have access to my iWeb off of Kevin's computer anymore.

Let's see ... I've graduated, I've found a job, I've become single-ish, I don't really do music anymore, and I waste my time at home. Wow, I've come so far.

I'll start at the beginning.

December 2008: Finally got my Bachelor of Music degree from Keene (woooo). Continued to live in Keene working in the theatre. I loved it, I was good at it, I could probably get another degree in it. Will I? Possibly, if I can find a school that I can convince my one year of experience is good enough to get me going. Moved back to the Cape in June 2009.

Then found my current job, cashier at Rite Aid. Well, I was a cashier then, I have since been promoted to Shift Supervisor (insert second wooooo here). I'm kind of training myself, getting training from my managers and other supervisors, and asking an obnoxious amount of questions daily. Aside from that, I do like my job, and I like the people I work with (for the most part). There's just things I wish the company would do that I don't agree with, but that happens will all lines of work. I'm doing my part to keep things going, and I'm always trying to make people smile every day :)

Kevin and I ... have parted ways, so to speak. He decided he wanted to find himself, which I get. I really do. I do feel a little left behind, but that's inevitable with something like this. He doesn't enjoy what he does, or what he's been doing, and I understand the need to reconfigure one's life and to reassess what you want to do. Why I had to be left behind, I'm still not getting. I wish he would understand that I will support him 100%, no matter what I tell him. Hopefully I can gain back what we had before, and just hit the redo key.

Music ... has left me, mostly. I play bassoon in the Cape Community Orchestra, and occasionally play flute at churches around the area, but I'm not as serious as I was (if you could call what I was "serious"). Sometimes I wish I could just play all day, but I don't have that motivation anymore. I guess I never really did, outside of being around people who loved music too. I just can't see myself doing it all day every day anymore. I don't really know what I want to do, I'm living the day to day right now.

I just try to work as much as I can to save up for shiny new things for me. I watch TV, I sit mindlessly at the computer, and have rediscovered my love for books. I wish I had fun, and I wish I was more fun. :-\ My life assessment post has turned into ... bleh. It's 12:15 am. Time for sleep.

So, apparently I had a saved entry. Well, so said Livejournal. So I loaded it ... and nothing came up. I apparently had saved ... nothing. It's been 4 months since my last post.

I feel ... lost. I wander around trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. And now, this problem with my wrist. Do I go get it checked and risk not being able to play for awhile, meaning no orchestra concert and no grad school auditions? Or do I wait, and risk never playing again because I destroy it more?

I have always wanted to go to graduate school. I knew I was going to go, but now ... I'm not so sure. I have discovered this new thing that I think I'm pretty good at, with the exception of my horrendous fear of heights. I love doing tech work in the theatre, and the people that I have met are pretty cool. I mean, how many bosses do you go help move and then they buy you dinner, and coffee, and pay for your gas? I really love this job, and it's a lot less hectic than working in the music department. There are people to help in the main theatre, rather than me running around like a blubbering idiot because I am so far behind and there is no one to help me. But tech ... I feel like I belong. There is no competition, no backstabbing (that I've found so far) because someone wants to be top dog. It's just ... we all work together to get everything done as fast as we can. I really miss that. I did some tech in high school, and haven't had the chance to do it here. Now that it's my last semester, I finally had the time to work there.

So now, I don't know if I want to go to grad school. My wrists keep killing me and aren't getting better. I can't afford the physical therapy, and I don't have time to do it, regardless. And now ... maybe I could go into tech, be a master electrician. That would be more wear on my body, but ... I could still play on the side. But music has been my life, and I want to be able to continue it, more than just on the side. But ... how can I do that, when it kills me to play?

I think there are a lot of "buts ..." in this entry. I don't want to live my life on what ifs and buts. That's not a way to live.

Reflecting back on 4 1/2 years in Keene ... I've gained a few friends, learned a few things ... but other than that ... not much. People tell you that college is the best time of your life, you gain the best friends of your life, you figure out what you want to do. I had fun, I've gained a couple good friends (and an amazing boyfriend, I might add), and I've become more confused about what I want to do. I don't have the drive for a conservatory, nor the money. I like my state school, where I can be in whatever I want to be, without the confinement of classical conservatory. I like being able to do tech, and maybe, just maybe, I would do marching band. Maybe if I am in it, I will like it.

And now, at 9:59 am ... I should be in economics. But I needed some time, and I didn't feel like running around like an idiot this morning. I have a percussion ensemble concert tonight, and I want to be rested for it. I could be doing my Sword in the Stone paper for King Arthur Literature, but I'll do that tonight.

Well ... that's it. I guess. I want to write more now that I feel like I can open up again.

See that girl ... watch that scene ...

Directions: Once you've been tagged, you have to write 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 5 people to be tagged, listing their lj. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("you're it") and to read your post. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me let me know when you've posted your post, so I can see your weirdness.

1. I wish I could grow up so people can't tell me "we'll tell you when you're a grown up"

2. I'm 21 and still don't have a license.

3. I don't know if music is what I want to do anymore.

4. I'm afraid of throwing up and other people throwing up. (stolen from Karen)

5. I started my first relationship backwards.

6. When I'm home, I go to church every Sunday, but doubt my religion.

7. I believe that TV shows are real until I remember I'm watching TV.

8. I always said I would save myself for marriage, but then had sex before I was in a relationship.

9. I'm afraid to leave New England for fear of my family falling apart.

10. I love laughing, but I usually don't understand what's going on when I do.

11. I fear that everyone talks about me behind my back.

12. I always wanted to be a scientist.

13. Puff the Magic Dragon makes me cry.

14. I've never tried pot.

15. What a Wonderful World makes me cry, too.

16. I love Kevin more than anything.

( Update )

What just happened to my life?

Rules:
- Put your playlist on random.
- Post the first line from the first 25 songs
- Delete the song when guessed and write who got it
- Don't use google to search for lyrics, that's cheating

1. So we drive as fast as we can go through the black ice and all snow

2. If you want my lovin, if you really do

3. If I said I loved you, all my life I loved you

4. Sometime's I'm right, sometime's I'm wrong -------Amanda-------

5. Days swiftly come and go, I'm dreaming of her ------Anna------

6. Beauty queen of only eighteen ------Amanda------

7. Can you help me ease the pain ------Anna------

8. Istanbul was Constantinople ------Amanda------

9. Baby set me free from this misery ------Kevin------

10. As I'm talking my words slip to the floor

11. Well I can't regret, can't you just forget it? ------Amanda------

12. The samples won't delay, but the cable ... ------Kevin------

13. Hey little apple blossom what seems to be the problem

14. Can you hear the drums ________? ------Kevin------

15. Let's admire the pattern forming murderous filigree ------Kevin------

16. Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity ------Amanda------

17. Now I saw a man stand up one day and fight to save his life

18. Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? ------Amanda------

19. We want Billy ------Anna------

20. There's a light in the darkness though the night is black as my skin ------Kevin------

21. How strange, this feeling that my life's begun at last

22. You left in the morning, you left without a word

23. You're kinda small and you're such a doll

24. Take the way home that leads back to ____________

25. Make a hole with a gun perpendicular

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of Imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers,
And candy clouds of lullaby [flowers]
I lie inside my self for hours,
And watch my purple sky fly over me [flowers]

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clocks screaming, monsters calling my name.
Let me stay where the wind will whisper to me,
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story.

If you need to leave the world you live in,
lay your head down and stay a while,
though you may not remember dreaming,
something waits for you to breathe again.

[Bridge]

In my field of paper flowers,
And candy clouds of lullaby [flowers]
I lie inside my self for hours,
And watch my purple sky fly over me [flowers]

I used to be such an eloquent writer. If I wanted it said, I could write it any way that I wanted to. But now, I don't know what has happened. Every thought that I have, every single thing that goes through my mind, I can't find the right words to say them.

It has been a year and a tad over four months. I have become a different person, what I hope is for the better, and have grown up in strides. It has been filled with tears of sorrow and joy, fights, dates, and everything else in between. We have known each other for over two years, and I don't think we could be any closer. Although it never really started out the way anyone hoped, I can't imagine my life without him. I never thought that I would have the chance to say this about anyone, but I am honestly and truly in love.

I never knew what love was or what it was supposed to be. Until I met him. Yes, we fought, we weren't in a relationship but we were at the same time. It was the most complicated, most wonderful friendship I have ever had. Somehow, we endured the hatred of everyone that knew us, and in some way, that brought us even closer, bonding together because we were the only people we had. The looks, the stares, everything told us not to associate, not to be friends, not to talk to each other. But we came through, and it's been the best time of my life.

Thank you, to everyone, for trying to pull us apart. You are the ones that brought us closer together, and ultimately made us realize what we were missing.

We haven't treated each other the best that we could, no one ever really does. But something about him is different. I don't know if it's the way we look at each other in the morning, or the happiness we feel just sitting together, doing absolutely nothing. I wish that people could see us now, a completely different two people. My friends now can see it, and don't care that it almost never happened. We all have our faults, and no one can be perfect. So it didn't start off well, no one said true love had to hit immediately.

I love Kevin with all of my heart, and I never want that to change. It's never going to change, and although we can't be together much this summer, I love him eternally. He is my one love. He has taught me to love myself, to realize that I am important and that I am worthy of life and what it deals me. I am alive because of him. He was over so much that year because I asked him to be. Because I wanted to live, and I didn't know where else to turn. At that point, I didn't care. It was him, it was my family, it was so much more. But all I care about is that because of him, I didn't try to kill myself every night, I realized that someone did care about me, and not just as a friend. I knew that before he did, and that's alright with me.

I wish that people could see that, and embrace it. I want the world to understand what we have been through together. One of my great friends from that year surprised me by telling me that she was glad Kevin and I were still friends through all this. It felt so good to have someone on our side, someone that originally wasn't.

I'm not one to ask people for pity, I'm not one to open myself up. But I am saying this one final time, out here in cyberspace, and I will say it infinitely to the outside world. Kevin is my one love, and I will love him forever.

I honestly don't know what to think of this world anymore. The violence, the hatred, the threats. In the past six weeks, Mashpee High School has had five bomb threats. Cape Cod Regional Tech in Harwich was sent home today because of a threat. Shootings in Illinois, five shootings in the past week. I shouldn't be afraid to hear any sounds outside. I shouldn't fear new students or new faces.

Why can't we trust life anymore?

1. If you were a dragon, what would your name be?
Mushu - only because I think he's the cutest dragon in any movie. Or would it be Musha ....

2. If you could be any colour high heel, what colour would you be?
Silver

3. If you were a poster, what would you be a poster of?
Rainbow over a city. But with the city in black and white.

4. If you were a switch, what would you control?
Smiles

5. If you were a book, what would you be about?
A kids book about making friends.

6. If your hair was a crayon colour, what would it be called?
Uhm ... I dunno, but it would change as you got through layers ...

7. What would you never change your name to that is a name?
Cosette

8. If you were in jail, what would you be in jail for?
Extortion

9. If you were a bird, what tune would you sing to?
Something sultry ...

10. If you could pick your astrological sign, what would it be?
Leo is perfectly me.

11. What does "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind?" mean to you?
Think before you act.

12. What will you major in during college?
Music performance

13. Have you ever asked a question that embarrassed you?
It's inevitable

14. When was the last time you embarrassed someone?
Pretty much always.

15. Is there a particular pattern in your life, or repeating coincidence?
Not really.

16. If you were a faerie, what colour would your wings be?
Light Purple, with sparkles.

17. If you could look into anyone's window right now and see what they're doing, what would the person whose window you chose to look in most likely be doing?
Leaving

18. Do you often write run on sentences?
Not usually. I tend to write partial sentences, actually. I do like to write intelligent sounding sentences, as well.

19. Do you feel strong when you look at any of your scars?
Now I do.

20. What's the heaviest thing you have ever put in an envelope?
Knife


21. If you were a calendar, what would be marked every Friday of one month?
Movie night.

22. If you could create a person, what would their name be?
Lorelai

23. Have you ever seen the show "Joey"?
Yes. The first few episodes were cute.

24. If you could make any movie real, what movie would it be?
Mary Poppins

25. If you found out you were going to die in a week, who would be the first person you'd tell?
Kevin

26. What time do you wish it was?
Thursday, when I could eat solid food.

27. Would you rather find love tomorrow that lasts a year? Or love in three years that lasts a lifetime?
Three years that lasts a lifetime ... but I found that a 2 years ago.

28. Have you ever met someone who was completely composed of anger and hate and disgust, repulsion?
Yes.

29. If you could have a drink made out of any one fruit and sugar, what drink would you have right now?
Anything!

30. What name do you like best from the main Friends cast?
Monica

31. Do you ever wish you could just slow life down?
Mhm

32. Do you ever wish you could just speed life up?
Some parts.

33. What's a word that starts with the letter R?
Run

34. How do you think this word relates to your life?
I've run from too much in my life. I need to face things head on.

35. What's a name that starts with J?
John

36. Do you know anyone by this name?
Yes.

Have you ever...

37. Read a book that was just bad?
Sometimes.

38. Found a word you just couldn't pronounce?
Usually.

39. Met someone more stubborn than yourself?
I'm dating him.

40. Had a feeling about something or someone that turned out to be right?
Sadly, yes.

41. Been completely wrong about something?
At one time or ... several times.

Capsule

42. When you look up at a pill up close what does it make you think of?
Pills ....

43. Do you have any memories that involve ants?
The chocolate covered ones I ate. They crunched. It was nasty.

44. What's an inside joke you've heard of but don't know the depth of?
A lot.

45. Have you seen someone recently you hadn't seen in a long time?
Nope.

46. Why do words derived off of Latin words make up the English language?
Cause Latin was the main language of the Romans ...

47. Has a picture ever ruined your day?
Mhm.

48. What was it of?
Can't remember. Oh yes. The picture of people clubbing seals in my anthropology book.

49. Have you ever made a prediction about something in life and then it happened?
Sadly, yes.

50. Have you ever drunk rain water from a glass?
Nope.

51. Can you taste the chlorine in sink water and not drink it? Does this make you spoiled or like the princess from the princess and the pea?
I don't really mind it.

52. What kind of person is the person who made the first ever dish of pasta?
A God.